Chern Chern =)

move on

2012-01-31T08:15:00.001-08:00

i must move on. damn why is it so hard??????? i pray i can make through it. best of luck!!!!!!

ending

2012-01-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

one of my journey comes to an end. its true. when we realised this, i felt... disappointed but relieved. i finally know that a relationship is not only about a boy and a girl.. there's more to consider. i cant blame anything or anyone.

i m always blessed to have a bunch of brothers and good friends that always supports me on everything i did. i know there's critics too.. i really dont know why, but seriously i think i m not the guy that u thought i were. i advice u to talk according to facts but not what u think.. because your instincts are really... suck. anyway u might be correct too.. thanks for those critics. i will definitely learn something from it.

thank you guey lun mei for eveything.. i m serious. everything u did, everything u thought and everything u told me. the reason i m not sooooo sad is because of what u told me. i believe that those words are true. i m still learning to cope in my current lifestyle.. i know u can cope better. take care.

i want to thank everyone again for the last time in this story of mine. i m not a lonely person because i have many great friends that will always hold me when i m drifting. thanks. till the next story!

ending

2012-01-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

31-12-2011

2012-01-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

the last day of 2011 is a special day for me and ke lin, because this is the first time we went out for a date! i had never thought that she would accept my offer (because she turned down my offer sooo many times) i m truly blessed.

she wore a cute white shirt with ribbons and she look like an angel. haha. everything went out nice and she said she's happy that day. i m relieved. there is one part that i m kinda shocked that she nearly cried. hey its not what i want to do ok.. because i m just answering her question.

i m blessed that i can talk face to face with the girl i like, no more guessing games. but i m still confused with the fact that what am i to her? i do not know whether will she believe we can solve the major problem we r facing or not and i do not know whether did she think about this issue or not. i really dont know what status we r in right now. very good friends? ever her friend and she admits that now we are doing things that r beyond friendship. so what are we now?

maybe we'll solve this on the next date..

Gratitude

2011-11-09T00:59:00.000-08:00

many things happened recently. the outcomes came out better than i expected.

sometimes, i felt do i deserve all this? having a great bunch of brothers, friends, and guey lun mei.

i know i m not the best yet, and i always did the wrong and sinful things.

i m grateful that god always help me and give me the best he can give to me, despite that i m a bad boy.

i hope the coming exam will also be something good.

thank you guey lun mei for giving me a chance. lets follow the flow, without any forcing. i hope the outcome will be the one that i expected, but we cant confirm on this on this. i will try my very best on doing anything for the best of us.

thank you my brothers for helping me, especially xiu hong for all the guidance, jia yap for the petrol and time, cin yan for the direction, and fu yuan for feeling happy about this issue.

thank you sor wen for patting on my back and making me decided to go there. thank you kimmy for listening to my stories. i also thank chai fook for the help all the time.

thank you kah seng for giving me tips on what to do, and thank you kah king for your loudspeaker.

i thank pn pua for always supporting me, and let me choose the thing that i like.

thanks kai ning for helping me for the preparation on presents, teaching me how to do the cake.

thanks GRAVITY for turning my cake into another special cake.

thank you everyone.

gap

2011-09-30T03:00:00.000-07:00

am i still not good enough? i wonder why people judge us like this? do i deserve to have it?

sometimes i feel very tired. sometimes i feel like resting and ignore everything.

even superman will also get tired someday. i will keep on do my best. but i hope we wont drag this too long.

i m sorry... i will try my best.

The Best

2011-07-19T04:45:00.001-07:00

"everyone have weakness."

"you cannot please every single human being."

i think this is just an excuse.

u cant, but u gotta TRY.

i will try to be the best guy anyone had ever met.

i'll try to be better, to enlighten and be enlightened every single day.

i just want to be the very best... haha

i know i'm not now, but i hope i will be close to one soon :D

enlightened

2011-07-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

today i had a nice chat with my classmates :D

they enlightened me.

before that, i was selfish, i only think of myself.

all i want is to be with her, 24 hours.

i bugged her everyday, find her any moment that i'm free.

it took me so long to realise that i didn't give her freedom.

we're not in a relationship Yet, and i've become like tat.

if we're a step closer, what will i do??

THANKS for the chat today, SC and SS.

you guys might not notice what u've done, but it helps a lot.

i finally know what i'm suppose to do.

xie xie ni men~ haha xD

Me

2011-07-09T03:42:00.000-07:00

i read kim's blog and i found this link. i did the questions and these are the results:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

it looks true :D

question

2011-07-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

should i go for it, maintain, or leave it??

i really need someone to talk now.

but i dont know who and how i'm gonna talk to. nobody wants to listen my lame stories i guess. i its not good for me to burden them.

i'm doubting again.. i wonder why?

autobots, roll out or retreat??

guey lun mei, u pick.

???

2011-07-06T23:24:00.001-07:00

seriously, i don't know what relationship status we're in now.

we're like, stuck in the middle...

i don't know how to respond this situation.

hope i can find the solution soon...

Love

2011-06-08T02:18:00.000-07:00

To: my friend

i know u have "love problems" recently.

u always think that the decision is not in your hands, right?

well, i strongly hope that u'll change your mindset.

love is not give and take. i personally thinks that it's about sacrifice, giving without expecting any pay back from your partner.

love is not a game that is dominated by only 1 party. it's a combination between 2 party. how u communicate, interact and live in.

love is something soothing, sweet, yet u'll still have to face some friction, misunderstandings between each other.

u must understand the situation before doing anything. all bark and no bite is not a way to solve problems.

think again before u make your decision.

to be frank, besides my mother and sister, i haven really love another girl, if i'm referring to what i typed just now. i'm still learning to do my best.

for me, what i'm thinking is just to be the best in everything i can do. please don't get it wrong, it's the best that i can do so that i can minimize friction between the 2 of us, so that we can get along comfortable.

take things slowly. a steady relationship takes time. the"boyfriend" "girlfriend" is just a term. a true relationship is not about getting the name, but it's the true feeling between 2 party. it's hard to describe here. haha :)

well, i wish u good luck. no offence here kay. hope u'll read this post.

fate

2011-05-27T02:50:00.000-07:00

i suppose to do something today.

well, its just some understandings between each other.

but, things weren't that easy.

seriously, i'm really sad, but i'm not blaming you. really.

its not your fault really. don't feel guilty.

if u did, u'll make me look even sinful, so just think that is my bad luck, okay?

at least i manage to give her the diary to write. i hope it helps.

God, please don't play anymore. i really need your help.

she's really the girl i like and i want to take care of her.

please don't twist here and there, making things complicated.

i hope it all settles soon. 1 and a half years had passed and i had turned to be better.

i hope i deserve this gift.

thank you.

桂纶镁

2011-02-18T04:19:00.000-08:00

recently, people starting to say i'm the one who are the passive one. not committed one. i thought i was not. seriously. yi zhi yi lai dou shi zhe yang. but now... betulkah i was the passive one?

not emo, not panic. ini serious. but i'm jotting down my feelings now, because maybe i'll refer some other day?

i always thought that my decision is right. sigh... maybe i was wrong? i was too obsessed in my comfy zone~? i'm not obeservant enough? well.. i dont know.

i always think that she is not ready. she is not hungry. she has no desire to start a relationship. i now still think like that.

after that incident occured, does things changed? its just a incident. lol xD. tetapi... is it i'm still living in my past years? if it really is, then, everthing is really my fault lo.

she make me feel so bad ;( i feel soo guilty. sigh. this is really my miscalculation. my guessing is sooo unaccurate.

seriously, i really dont know what to do now. to go or to stay. i have no confidence. sien. who can tell me what to do??? sien sien sien..

watafak?!

2010-11-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

i'm really not faking. this is my true self.

i really dont feel to do anything related to you. please dont lie to yourself that i'm acting, but i actually care. i'm not k.

you will know how i feel when the same things happen to you.

maybe you should see the horoscope to understand me more.

if my heart turns cold, i wont give a damn to the anything, even if the thing once is my motivation.

唉莫大于心死。

What You KNOW?

2010-10-17T04:20:00.000-07:00

aiyo. so many things happened recently.

to be honest, i'm really sad and down now.

i know what i'm doing.

do you know how hard is it to ignore someone you actually care last time?

do you know how is it to feel when u ignore someone u really dont want to ignore?

do you know how hard to do what you actually dont want to do?

WHAT YOU KNOW?

why i do this?

its easy. I dont want to be involved to this complicated situation again.

i dont want her to be uncertain again. i dont want to be uncertain again.

i know if i dont do this, i might fall again, and make things even complicated.

i dont want this "might" thing happen.

that's why i did this.

i know this hurts, but it will over. really. hard times will over very soon.

just give me some time, please. i really need time. please believe me, i really care. i just need time. once i have no this type of feelings, i will be ok.

i dont want to ACT like nothing happened. i hate to ACT. i'm not FAKE.

and someone, i thought she will understand me, but end up?

WHAT YOU KNOW?

hey, i Know i'm a soft hearted person. before doing this, i think and think and think. i scare i will hurt her.

and finally i decided. long term heart break is worst than short termed heart break.

however, i know she will be very sad. so, i will ask you about her, recently i ask more because i dont want her to be sad.

OKAY, i KNOW i'M WRONG to ask for your help, BUT is it so bad until i deserved a "o0o" sign from you?

I DONT THINK SO.

how can i ask her personally? do you know not everything i can ask personally?

i dont know u dont know. hey i cant read your mind.

i admit i'm wrong, but i dont think i deserve this from you.

it's all over now. i wont ask you anything anymore.

now, we're back to zero. i'm soo sad when i got to know this.

i'm doing something cruel to myself, and in the same time breaking people's heart.

i know this is really bad, but it's the best choice now.

i know this hurts, so i turned back and see if its okay.

but, i think I'M WRONG. people SHOWED "o0o" sign to me.

all of the sudden my heart shivered.

let the time pass ba...

lastly, please believe that we're still the same.

i just want to be alone for a while, as i said, i dont want to fall again. later things will be more complicated.

if i still do something like last time, i think i will fall again lo~

so, to prevent this from happen, i will do this, for a short term~

when time pass, situation will be fine again.

but, i cant care anymore, since people showed me o0o sign.

hope i can solve the problem myself ba~

心寒

2010-10-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

i dont know what happened?

feel very dissapointed.

i really shouldnt believe anyone so easily.

misunderstood? truth? i dont want to care it now.

it's meaningless to concern such things.

u really shouldnt be hurted by me, as i'm nothing for u.

when the situation turns vice versa, did i say anything before?

i'm not worth for u to be sad.

i'm just a person who passby and leaves with bruises and cuts.

many people warned me not to go there anymore a long time ago, but...

i hope now its not too late.

sigh..

2010-10-07T17:37:00.000-07:00

fisherman doesnt want to befriend with the other fisherman because of a fish.

but he dont know that the fisherman had no interest towards fish anymore.

i'm so sad that the fisherman destroys his own friendship because of a fish....

confused

2010-09-26T01:25:00.000-07:00

i dont know what's happening on me now...

okay, i know i like you.

but, i dont want to be so rush, i want it to be slow and steady...

i want to comfirm my feelings first before i do anything.

but sometimes, i felt that if we're just friends, everything seemed better.

maybe if we're only friends, our relationship wont be so awkward.

maybe if we're only friends, i can feel more comfortable.

maybe if we're only friends, i can feel more relaxed.

maybe maybe maybe....

i do feel very relaxed, and really like our relationship now.

yeah, JI MUI.

but, i know that i will hope for a higher relationship, really.

but, i dont want it to happen now.

because... i scared that it was only a dream.

i know, if i want to get someone, i need to act fast, because time doesnt wait.

but, i cant forced myself to act fast right?

this wasnt me.

and i scared that if i failed, we're not friends anymore.

no more ji mui.

and i really need your ear, your support.

because only you knows me well, real well.

u asked me why i like you?

frankly, not because of beauty, or any physical appearance.

its because your inner appearance, that has the same structure with me.

it implies to me. i really need to find someone who really understands me, and agrees with me in what i'm doing.

and you did it.

i hope u also think the same..

however, time doesnt wait.

another guy also wanted to have a relationship with you.

seriously, i dont quite like his way.

but, it seems that you turn to like him.

time doent wait huh?

he is fast, he is strong.

but, do you sure he is the right one?

if you do, well, i'll be the first one to support you.

i promise i'll be your first listener when u need it.

but, if one day, u think that he's not the one, you can turn back and find me.

Maybe, i'm still at there, waiting.

Maybe....

lets see how the story ends...

mask

2010-09-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

i thought u have change...

yet, you are still the same.

i know you dislike what i saying you, but..

this is the ugly truth of yourself.

you are a person who wears a deadly mask,

so you think i will let you continue to hurt other people?

HELL NO!

you said u are honest and true?

are u sure?

of course you will say yes, for the sake for your image.

but do you think everyone will believe?

please exclude me, i will not believe in you anymore.

but how about the other?

i must say, people who dont know you will believe, but closer friends... i dont know.

I know you have the ability to turn any situation to a whole new dimension,

but the truth is always there.

Well, maybe your sucking attitude in form4 and form5 is still haunting in my heart...

guess what, i am not the only person who thinks that.

but i still dont see any improvement in you.

impression is caused all by your own attitude, own pattern,

it's actually YOU yourself who created this fucking suck impression in you.

HOwever,

since u told me i dont 'understand' u anymore,

hey that's none of my buisness! i dont wish to.

why wasting my time to understand u?

i have been enduring this for so long...

who said i quarrel with you because of girls?

hey, its because of your FUCKED UP attitude!

I'll be promoting this sooner or later.

U MADE ME.

but, lastly la. i feel so bad keep shooting u.

dont say u dont care la pls. u need to care your image mah. pengerusi wor.

i heard 1 of our swords said that u change already.

hey! its a good sign.. but, are u cheating him?

hope u really changed lah.

LOL i feel so bad typing this, looks like i'm caring for you.

but anyway, i'll still give you best wishes for u and her, eventhough many people disagree with both of you.

because of her.

omg SAD RIGHT?

u happy jiu hao...

happy :)

2010-08-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

i love the word happy.

H-A-P-P-Y :)

it makes my mood so good.
it makes my day so brilliant.
it makes everything seemed so perfect.

what makes me so happy?
i Dont know, serioulsy.
maybe i know, but i dont wish to admit it.
however, since this is a good thing,
i think i will just leave it.

hope these days will continue until eternity....

:DD

2010-08-17T01:19:00.000-07:00

SpeedBoat V.S Sampan

2010-08-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

when Speed Boat V.S. Sampan,
who will win?
Speed Boat chiong to his goal without wasting time,
without thinking the consequence,
without caring anything,
dont even bother anything blocking their way,
not even Sampan.

Sampan moves slowly,
rowing up,
rowing down...
thinking loads of things before taking any steps,
wasting all the time thinking...
thought of every consequence before he act...
enjoy the beautiful sea along the way...
Cares everyone's feelings, everyone's thoughts...
even if he is the Speed Boat.

but, the fisherman and his fish keep laughing the Sampan.
Kok Ji, Coward, LppL, Small Heart...
but what Sampan can do is only to ignore them...
because when time comes,
Sampan will reach his destination...
and bring the mermaid back to his house...

:)

hello :)

2010-08-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

sorry bloggie... i have abandon u for... 8 months? sigh... durin this 8 months... many things happen... there is a dramatical change in my lifestyle... studies, work, relationships, sosial... i felt that i had changed a lot. so, finally, i had decided to return to my blogging life... haha... hope u will always listen to all my inner thoughts bloggie... i know u will... don emo k...? haha :)

赌场风云

2010-01-20T04:13:00.000-08:00

Today i watched 赌场风云... last episode... this shows reminds me someone... who is also like the bad guy, Kiu Ching Chor...

In the show... Kiu Ching Chor is a person who only wants to win... wants glory... and dont wanna lose... he use many tactics to cheat, revenge and even kill to achieve his goals... and finally he lost his friends, lover and mother...

I had a "friend".. and I duno am I his friend again... I hope I WONT see this "friend" anymore but I cant... So i gotta fake my feelings... well this is not i wanna share in this post...

That person is also a person who wants glory... wants attention.. so he did many things that is kinda disgusting to get attention... keep on pretending... people who knows little about that person will thinks he is good... however 路遥知马力，日久见人心... people who knows this person more will know this person's actual attitude... however this person's "mask" skill is superb that I canot admit its greatness... I wan call this person "the mask" for very long time d...

This person is a leader... but not a good leader... nonono... i should say... "the mask" is the worst leader i ever met.. no leading skill... only use his pretend skill to cheat other people... but I know all his pattern... make me more hate this person... But why i know.. because i think this whole team.. i am the only one who knows what the person is doing... others just saw this person's outer surface... 金玉其外，败絮其内...

Worst thing... this person still want to mengkhianat me... people say because I dont respect this leader.. but after this leader did all this F*CKING stuff... HOW CAN I RESPECT HIM? THAT PERSON HAVE NO RIGHTS TO ACCUSE ME FOR ANYTHING, BECAUSE YOU ARE WAYYYY WORST THAN ME. who wont make mistakes?

Then after "something" happen... i thought we will be ok.. but sadly... this person is still the same.. make me sick of it... i dunnon y this person treat me like that.. i hope i'm too sensitive.. but now NOTHING CAN CONVINCE ME THAT I M SENSITIVE.

I tried to concern him.. but what repay i got? F*CK IT!

I don want to have any contact with you anymore. I dont want you to step into my sight... i dont want you to feel my world... just faster migrate to somewhere that i can no need to see you anymore and DONT COME BACK... I HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE...

emo

2010-01-18T04:27:00.000-08:00

I am sooo emo these few days. So many PROBLEMS happen on him. Injuries, studies.... etc etc... All these make me CRAZY!!!

I HATE injuries!!! Broke my leg few days ago. my right leg is swollen i thought i got elephathasis. I can BARELY walk!! T.T

I'm still struggling on what to study. HAIZ. Form6? A levels? Foundation? It's very very hard to choose.

There are still plenty of problems happening on me, but sadly I cant share it out. Guess i need to swallow all these problems all by myself.

I hope everything will be ok soon.

( empty )

2010-01-17T04:22:00.000-08:00

Nothing to type.
Nothing to do.
Nothing to think.
Nothing to share.

Feel so empty...

Haiz.

Can you feel my WORLD

2010-01-15T04:25:00.000-08:00

你只喜欢我微笑
你决定我的需要
我要怎么说才好
我不是为你制造
关心像是泥藻拉住我往下掉
爱是漂亮口号透过你的视角
你把我的喜好随便删掉
变成你要的调调

你为我好我知道我都知道
我的烦恼我的骄傲你却不明了
怎样爱你才好
毕竟黑豹需要自由奔跑
不能满足于拥抱

Can you feel my world
真实的我没办法伪造
Can you take my hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can you feel my world
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好你才觉得我重要

你只要我有礼貌
其他假装看不到
我要怎么说才好
当我的情绪低潮
关心像是泥藻拉住我往下掉
爱是漂亮口号透过你的视角
你把我的喜好随便删掉
变成你要的调调

你为我好我知道我都知道
我的烦恼我的骄傲你却不明了
怎样爱你才好
毕竟黑豹需要自由奔跑

日日夜夜我闭着双眼祈祷
为什么只有我的音乐能够让我依靠
我知道我的世界已经变得越来越小
跑不掉跑不了怎么面带着微笑
怎么面对着你才好怎么眼泪都在掉
怎么嘴嘟着好严肃只要不是哭着就好
什么旋律在我脑袋一直转一直绕
意志力一直撑着我再一次祷告帮助我

Can you feel my world
真实的我没办法伪造
Can you take my hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can you feel my world
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好你才觉得我重要

Can you feel my world
真实的我没办法伪造
Can you take my hand
真诚你会感觉到
Can you feel my world
真实的我没办法伪造
并不想讨好你才觉得我重要

I LOVE you, as always. But can you give me some space to breathe? I am NOT PERFECT. I will still be ME, and its hard for you to change me. Can you feel my WORLD?

I will always open my hands, hoping you can understand me more... Welcome to my world...

a NEW start

2010-01-14T04:56:00.000-08:00

Neglected this blog for so long d... sorry bloggie. This is 2010! I decided to delete all my recent post, and start this blog whole over again. Since i have A LOT of time now, i think i will be more active in blogging.
Wish all my beloved friends ALL THE BEST.